


Five Times Thomas and Matthew Nearly Kissed and One Time They Did

by GhostDetective



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: 5+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attraction, Budding Love, Class-Divide Relationship, Closeted Character, Forbidden Love, Internalised ableism, M/M, Romance, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, World War I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-22 12:23:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14308551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostDetective/pseuds/GhostDetective
Summary: What might have been, if events had gone a little differently.





	1. If Thomas Had Been Matthew's Valet

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, 
> 
> I've had this concept floating around in my head for a while now and finally finished it the other day. This fic has taken me a surprising length of time considering the length of the chapters, which just seemed to grow with each addition (you'll see what I mean as I update), but it is complete and will be updated daily. 
> 
> Hope you like it. :)

Matthew couldn’t understand why he needed a Valet. The Earl of Grantham had insisted he take one to prepare him for life at Downton, but Matthew hated the idea of somebody dressing him like a doll. Why did he need to be helped to dress? As if he wasn’t competent to do the job himself. Matthew paced the floor, agitated. He had given in more to keep Lord Grantham happy, he was a guest in his house after all, he didn't want to offend his host. 

Matthew ran his fingers through his hair. It wasn’t the fact that it was another man undressing him, Matthew had had his share of experiences in college and at Oxford, he just wasn’t looking forward to having someone he’d only just met being that intimate with him. He sighed and sat down on the bed, his head falling into his hands. 

There was a knock at the door. Matthew answered without looking up.  
“Come in.”  
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Valet come into his room and close the door behind him. Then he heard a soft, Mancunian voice speak up.  
“Lord Grantham has asked me to be your Valet, Mr Crawley.”  
“Has he now?” Matthew huffed a laugh and looked up. Then he froze. The man was beautiful. Dark hair contrasting with striking blue eyes, red lips standing out against pale skin. Matthew stared. The man’s mouth twitched in a barely suppressed smile.  
“Yes, Mr Crawley. Now, if you’d be so kind, could you stand up so we can begin?”  
Matthew found his voice.  
“Yes. Of course.” He got up and stood in front of the man, not sure how close to be. He needed to be close so that the Valet could undress Matthew, but he didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. Matthew shivered inwardly at the prospect of this man’s hands touching his body. He shouldn’t find the idea as exciting as he did. 

The Valet undid Matthew’s tie, letting it sit loosely around his neck. Matthew didn’t know where to look, so he kept his eyes down on the servants’ hands. They stilled. Matthew looked up to see his Valet looking into his eyes, an unreadable expression on his face. Matthew’s eyes moved down to his lips, then back up to his eyes. Something changed behind them and he gently pulled Matthew’s tie away with one hand, resting it on the table, his gaze never leaving Matthew’s. He reached up slowly, his other hand coming to rest on Matthew’s neck. He felt his heart racing. The Valet’s eyes darkened. He leaned closer, his other hand coming up to cup Matthew’s jawline. Matthew’s breath hitched. The Valet smirked, before he kissed Matthew. 

Matthew felt an explosion of feeling coursing through him, he reached up and rested his hands on the Valet’s neck as he kissed back fiercely. For a long moment, all that existed was the two of them, wrapped up in each other. Then Matthew came to and broke the kiss.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”  
The Valet kissed Matthew gently, before he replied.  
“Thomas.”


	2. When Matthew and Mary Didn't Connect

Matthew reclined in an armchair in the Library, casually turning the pages of ‘A History of Churches in the County of Yorkshire.’ It was a dry text, one he had borrowed from The Earl of Grantham’s collection, but while he was out with Lady Edith, he had seen a particular stained glass window that had interested him. It had depicted the martyrdom of St Sebastian; stripped to the waist with his hands tied behind him, arrows piercing his body and his head tilted back, framed by a halo of wavy hair. The image of fair youth. Matthew had wanted to know more about it. 

Matthew was grateful to Lady Edith for showing him the churches in Downton and had thanked her when they got back to the Abbey, but she had seemed a bit put out. She seemed pleasant, much more so than Lady Mary, though perhaps not quite as kind as Lady Sybil. The sisters each had their merits, though Matthew had always had to try very hard to find women attractive. 

He checked his pocket watch, marked his place in the book and put it down, then tugged the bell pull beside him. He could do with a drink. It was late and he had rather lost track of time, immersed in his research. 

He didn’t have to wait long before a footman came in. The footman was dark haired, pale and attractive. The same footman who had caught Matthew’s eye at dinner. Matthew had hoped it would be him.   
“You rang, Mr Crawley?”   
“Yes, I did, Thomas. It is Thomas, isn’t it?”   
The footman looked surprised that Matthew had remembered his name, but answered politely.   
“Yes, Mr Crawley.”   
Matthew smiled.   
“Could you pour some drinks, Thomas?”   
Thomas took a glass from the cabinet and looked at the drinks.   
“Brandy or Whisky?”   
“You chose.” Matthew smiled.   
Thomas poured a glass of Whisky.   
“Pour one for yourself too.”   
Thomas froze.   
“Mr Crawley?”   
Matthew studied him.   
“Do they treat you well, the Crawleys?”   
Thomas hesitated. That was all the answer Matthew needed. He gave Thomas a sympathetic look.   
“Please share a drink with me. I don’t see myself as your better.”   
“All the same, Mr Crawley, if Mr Carson found two glasses, he would know.”   
Matthew nodded.   
“I understand.” He gestured to the chair next to him. “Sit down.”   
Thomas blinked.   
“In the chair, Mr Crawley?”   
The absurdity of the question made Matthew chuckle.   
“Well I hardly expect you to sit on the floor.”   
Thomas sat down next to him, looking pleased to be treated as an equal, though Matthew suspected he already considered himself such; Matthew had seen the distain with which Thomas had looked at him when he arrived, but he hoped they could be friends, maybe even something more. Matthew held out his whisky.   
“Would you like a drink?”   
Thomas smirked.   
“Yes, Mr Crawley.” 

Matthew watched him take a sip from the tumbler, watching his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed the whisky. The sight was so beautiful, Matthew wanted to lean across and kiss it. Thomas’ eyes met Matthew’s and his lips twitched. He recognised something in Matthew’s eyes. He gave him his drink back. Matthew drained the glass, his eyes never leaving Thomas’. He swallowed and put the tumbler on the table. Matthew leaned slowly across the arm of the chair, Thomas met him halfway. Matthew’s hands coming up to Thomas’ neck, Thomas reaching up to run his fingers through Matthew’s hair, whisky mingling on their tongues as they kissed. 

Matthew was here to court Lady Mary, but he could appreciate a fair youth as much as any man.


	3. In the Trenches

Matthew had not long returned to the trenches after his visit to Downton Abbey, the house so far removed from the realities of the war that it may as well be in another world. Yet something had been different this time. The house was missing something, or rather someone, that had made it worth returning to. Matthew may have visited to introduce Lavinia to his family, but the real reason for going back was the footman, Thomas. 

Matthew had carried out enquiries into his whereabouts, asking Mrs Hughes what had become of Downton’s footmen. She told him that William was serving in the Yorkshire regiment and when Matthew had asked her about Thomas, with what he hoped was an air of casual interest, she had told him that he was in the Medical Corps. Matthew had thanked her, making a mental note to keep a watchful eye on the medics. He had feared the worst, that Thomas had been killed in service, but Matthew had kept looking and, as luck would have it, he had seen Thomas again, sheltering from enemy fire. Matthew could hardly believe it.   
“Thomas?”   
The former footman looked up.   
“It is Thomas, isn’t it?” Matthew fought hard to keep his emotions in check, not wanting to sound too keen, lest he frighten him away.   
“It’s Corporal Barrow now, Mr Crawley.” 

Matthew saw his chance to re-acquaint himself with the man who had haunted him since he had left Downton. They didn’t have long, but Matthew had watched Thomas from a distance for the rest of the day. When Thomas’ colleague had been shot by a sniper, Matthew immediately located and shot him before he could harm Thomas. Then night fell and Matthew saw his chance to approach Thomas again. He found Thomas in a shelter, drinking some tea. 

“You look very comfortable there, Corporal.” He smiled.   
Thomas stood and saluted him. Matthew saluted back.   
“Would you like some, Sir. We have condensed milk and sugar.”   
“I won’t ask how you managed that.” He smiled, wondering whether Thomas would notice the subtle flirt. Matthew removed his helmet as Thomas prepared his tea. Thomas passed him the warm mug.   
“Go on, Sir.”   
Matthew gratefully took it. Thomas removed his helmet. Matthew took a sip of tea.   
“That's nectar. You sure you can spare it?”   
“Gladly. If we could talk about the old days and forget about all this for a minute or two.”   
Matthew understood. Though Thomas hadn’t enjoyed his time at Downton, even that was preferable to the Hell that they were in now.   
“Do you ever hear from anyone?” Matthew asked, wondering if Thomas had had anyone at all that he could turn to.   
“Oh, yes. Miss O'Brien keeps me informed. Lady Edith's driving.”   
Matthew chuckled. Thomas continued.   
“Lady Sybil's training as a nurse. Miss O'Brien tells me the hospital's busier than ever with the wounded coming in. That true?”   
“Certainly is.” Matthew replied. “They had a concert when I was there to raise extra funds.”   
Thomas paused thoughtfully.   
“I'm curious, sir. Do you think I could ever get a transfer back to the hospital, seeing as it's war work?”   
Matthew could understand Thomas’ eagerness to leave the war, between the harrowing things he had witnessed and constant threat that the next bullet could be for him, he didn’t blame Thomas for wanting to escape. Even if nothing could come of his feelings, Matthew would be glad to help him if it meant that this wonderful man would be safe.   
“Well, you'd have to be sent home from the front first. And then you might have to pull a few strings.” As Thomas’ superior officer, Matthew couldn't be seen to be endorsing a plan of escape and he didn’t want to take up too much of Thomas’ time with his silly crush, so he finished his tea. “Thank you for that. Thank you very much.” He set him mug down and touched Thomas’ arm in thanks, his arm lingered as he gave Thomas one last look of longing. Thomas returned it, speaking softly.   
“What would my mother say? Me entertaining the future Earl of Grantham for tea.” Thomas stepped closer. Matthew smiled, stepping closer himself. He answered, his voice barely above a whisper.   
“War has a way of distinguishing between the things that matter and the things that don’t.” 

They stood like that for a moment, then Thomas pulled Matthew closer, kissing him fiercely. Matthew’s hands found Thomas’ neck and he deepened the kiss, Thomas’ hands moved down to Matthew’s waist, holding him in place. Matthew pressed his body against Thomas’, his excitement becoming evident. Thomas moaned and ground against Matthew.   
Matthew pulled back, panting.   
“Where are your quarters?”   
Thomas nipped at Matthew’s bottom lip.   
“Right this way, Captain Crawley.”   
Matthew allowed himself to be dragged in the direction of Thomas’ room. 

After all, they could die tomorrow.


	4. Back at Downton

Matthew wheeled himself closer to the table in the Library and picked up his tea. Though it had been many months since he was injured, he still couldn’t get used to needing to be helped to do things. He would much rather do things himself wherever possible. He valued his independence. It wasn’t that he detested having Mary help him, but he didn’t want to burden her with it and sometimes it was nice to be able to be on his own, away from the rest of his family. They had been more than accommodating, Robert insisting that Matthew be given rooms that he could easily access and Cora going out of her way to make sure he had everything he needed at any given moment, but part of him was worried that, if he spent too long with them, he would encroach too far on their goodwill and he didn't want to do that. The reason he had released Lavinia was because he wanted her to have her own life, with a proper marriage and children, not to live out the rest of her days as his nurse. 

Then there were the memories, they intruded on his mind suddenly and, in an instant, he would be brought back to the battlefields of Arras, Ypres and the Somme. His hands would shake, he would be unable to speak and he wouldn’t respond. He couldn’t pull himself out of it. It was bad enough when they came during the night, but he couldn't risk that happening in front of his family. He had to be strong. 

There was, however, a hint of a silver lining. For a few moments, just sometimes, he could feel a faint prickling in his legs. He didn’t kid himself that he would be fully able to walk again, or that he would ever father children, but it gave him hope that he may one day be able to lift himself from his chair to his bed without difficulty. He could but hope. 

There was a rustling near the door and Thomas entered the room.  
“Captain Crawley?” Thomas seemed surprised to have seen him.  
“Hello, Thomas.” Matthew smiled warmly. “What are you doing up here at this hour?”  
Thomas shifted slightly, looking anywhere but at Matthew.  
“Forgive me,” Matthew amended, “I didn’t mean to sound accusatory.”  
“It’s alright, Captain Crawley. I was looking for a book about the English nobility.”  
Matthew sat up, interested.  
“Oh? Which aspect of it?”  
“Names, family histories, that sort of thing.” Something seemed off about the way Thomas was behaving, but Matthew didn’t want to press him on it.  
“You may want to try Burke’s Peerage. I’m sure Robert has a copy.” Matthew replied, his tone friendly.  
“Thank you.” Thomas looked along the shelves and sure enough, he pulled the book out a few rows away. He thumbed though the pages to find what he was looking for. 

Matthew went back to his drink and thought no more of it. A few minutes passed in silence, then he heard a sniff. He turned and saw Thomas rub his eyes.  
“Thomas? What’s the matter?”  
“It’s nothing.”  
Matthew wheeled himself closer.  
“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”  
Thomas shook his head.  
“I can’t… You wouldn’t understand.”  
Matthew reached up and touched Thomas’ arm.  
“Help me to understand.”  
Thomas took a moment to compose himself. He slumped into the chair next to Matthew.  
“It’s just… Nearly two years ago, when I worked at Downton Hospital, I met an officer. We got friendly while I was caring for him. You might say we were close.” The smallest of smiles flickered across his face, before faltering. “Then he… He died.” He buried his face in his hands as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks and Matthew suddenly understood.  
“You loved him.” He observed.  
Thomas looked up, terrified, before Matthew took his hand.  
“Your secret’s safe with me.” He smiled kindly. Thomas’ look of gratitude warmed his heart. “What was his name?”  
“Edward. Edward Courtenay.”  
The blood drained out of Matthew’s face. Thomas continued.  
“It was him I was looking for. I didn’t know much about him, only that he had a mum and a brother. I wanted to know more about him.” He paused. “Are you alright, Sir?”  
“I…” Matthew cleared his throat. “I knew him. I went to Oxford with him. We were also… Close.”  
Thomas’ eyes widened.  
Matthew glanced up at Thomas, sadly.  
“This damn war has taken everything from us.”  
Thomas put his hand on Matthew’s shoulder.  
“It did. All I can say is thank goodness it’s finally over.” 

They sat in companionable silence for a moment, before Thomas spoke.  
“So you and Edward were together?”  
A fond look crossed Matthew’s face.  
“Throughout our time at Oxford. He was a gentle soul, kind and compassionate. He had a way of appealing to the very best in people. I’m sorry that he’s gone.”  
“Not many in my life have been kind to me, he was one. I often wonder what could have been if he was still here. If he hadn’t…”  
Matthew cupped Thomas’ face in his hand, guiding Thomas to look at him.  
“Men like us, we have to make the most of whatever love we can find, just hoping that the man we yearn for feels the same way.”  
They stared at each other for a moment, before Matthew leaned forwards, pressing his lips against Thomas’. Thomas leaned into Matthew, his arms circling his shoulders as he kissed back. Thomas tilted his head, allowing him to deepen the kiss, Matthew’s tongue ran along Thomas’ lips, which he parted, allowing him access. Matthew’s hands came to Thomas’ waist, tracing the line of his beautiful body, just the thought of it was enough for Matthew to feel mounting desire. Thomas’ good hand made its way down Matthew’s chest, his fingers stroking downwards until he reached Matthew’s…  
“Oh!” Matthew gasped as he felt himself getting hard.  
“Did I hurt you?” Thomas asked, surprised at Matthew’s reaction.  
“No. Quite the opposite. I’m… I can’t believe it. I thought I couldn’t… That I’d never…”  
Realisation dawned on Thomas’ face.  
“Oh, this?” Thomas purred as he stroked Matthew through his trousers. Matthew whimpered and squirmed in his chair and Thomas smirked, delighted at the effect he was having on the heir to Downton Abbey. “Well, now we have this, it would be a shame to waste it. Would you like me to take care of it for you?” He squeezed gently. Matthew could hardly stand it.  
“Yes! Please, Thomas, I beg of you.”  
Thomas smirked.  
“Of course, **Captain Crawley.** ” He purred, sliding out of his chair to kneel in front of Matthew’s.


	5. Alfred's Promotion

Matthew watched his reflection as Alfred finished tying his tie. Alfred was a good valet, well, aside from the odd incident, he did his job well enough and he was an agreeable sort, if a little quiet; but he had heard that someone, a certain footman, had been giving his valet a hard time and he wanted to get to the bottom of it.   
“Is everything alright, Sir?”   
Matthew came out of his reverie.   
“Yes, quite alright thank you, Nugent.”   
Alfred nodded. Matthew studied him.   
“How are you finding the job, Nugent?”   
“It’s a good job, Sir. I’m very lucky.” Alfred smiled.   
“And how are they treating you downstairs?”   
Alfred’s smile faltered, but quickly returned.   
“My aunt, Sarah… Miss O’Brien is looking out for me.” Matthew knew there was some truth in the rumours now.   
“Is there anything I can get for you?”   
Matthew looked up at him, smiling politely.  
“That will be all, Nugent. Could you send up Barrow, please?” 

Thomas sat in his chair in the Servants’ Hall reading the paper when Alfred came in.   
“Thomas, Mr Crawley would like to see you.”   
Thomas didn’t look up.   
“Wants his tie done properly, does he?” He smirked.   
“Ignore him, Alfred, he only wishes someone like Mr Crawley would look twice at him.” Miss O’Brien sneered over her sewing. Thomas scowled. Alfred shifted nervously.   
“I don’t think you should keep him waiting.”   
Thomas folded his paper and stood up.   
“I suppose I’d better go to him, can’t have the heir to the estate’s appearance being sub-standard at dinner.” He shot one last look at Alfred as he exited the Hall. 

Matthew waited for Thomas in his room. Something was behind his bullying of Alfred and Matthew was determined to find out what.   
There was a knock at the door and Matthew looked up.   
“Come in.”   
Thomas let himself in, closed the door behind him, then awaited instruction. Matthew studied him.   
“You wanted to see me, Mr Crawley?” Thomas’ level tone belied his calculating gaze.   
“Yes. It’s come to my attention that Alfred has been having a hard time since his promotion, I want to know your perspective on it.”   
Thomas narrowed his eyes, clearly plotting something. When he spoke, his tone was one of concern.   
“He does seem to be struggling to perform his duties. I have noticed that he doesn’t seem to be coping very well with moving from being a footman to a valet. It’s difficult for someone who has no experience.”   
Matthew scowled.   
“That’s not what I mean and you know it. I’ve heard what’s been going on, why have you been intentionally making his life difficult?”   
Thomas’ looked flustered for a moment, but quickly regained his composure.   
“I have only ever tried to help Alfred, it’s unfortunate that he…”   
“Don’t lie, Thomas!” Matthew’s sharp tone seemed to have startled the footman into silence. “You have deliberately sabotaged his work and I want to know why.”   
Thomas stared at him. When he spoke, his tone was icy.   
“You want to know why?” He stepped closer, his eyes never leaving Matthew’s “It’s because it should be me. I should be the one helping you, I should be the one to dress you, to share your confidences, to care for you. After everything that we’ve known together, I should be your valet.”   
He was too close, Matthew could see the hunger and the yearning in his eyes, the thought that it might be for him made Matthew’s heart race. He swallowed.   
“So… It’s just professional jealousy?”   
“Professional jealousy!?” Thomas laughed sharply.   
“Then why…” Matthew let the question hang in the air as Thomas’ hands came up to rest on Matthew’s neck. Matthew’s eyes drifted to Thomas’ mouth, then back to his eyes as he gave his answer.   
“I think you already know.” 

Thomas closed the distance, pulling Matthew into a desperate, breathtaking kiss. Matthew wrapped his arms around Thomas’ waist, pulling him closer as he kissed back. Thomas’ passion had ignited a burning desire in Matthew to have as much of Thomas as he could. Thomas could feel Matthew’s arousal building as Matthew’s hands started to roam across the contours of Thomas’ body, Thomas moaned into the kiss. He reached down to unbutton Matthew’s trousers when they were interrupted by the sound of the dinner gong. “Shit!” Matthew pulled back, looking to the door with horror. “I need to get downstairs, but I can’t go out like this!”   
Thomas laughed.   
“Thomas, this isn't funny.” Matthew started to panic.   
Thomas took Matthew’s shoulders.   
“Relax. Just think of the Dowager Countess in her underthings.”   
The image immediately killed Matthew’s arousal. Then the absurdity of the situation caught up with Matthew and he started to laugh. Thomas’ eyes sparkled with amusement.   
“That do the trick?”   
“Moderately traumatic, but effective.”   
“Good.” Thomas straightened Matthew’s clothing. “Now you can go downstairs and nobody will be any the wiser.”   
Matthew made his way out, before pausing in the doorway.   
“Thank you, Thomas.”   
“My pleasure, Mr Crawley.”


	6. Return From the Highlands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and one time they did.

Upon hearing from Mary, Matthew headed straight back to Downton. His time in the Highlands had given him much to think about, not least why, when his wife was making her way home to give birth to his child, his mind should be focused so completely on someone else. He was with Mary, a woman he loved, a woman who was carrying his child, so he should have had everything that he needed with him, but he found his mind wandering back to Downton and towards a certain footman. Thoughts of him would drift into Matthew’s mind out of nowhere. He would be at dinner, listening to Lord Grantham talking about, something, when the colour of the Earl’s tie would remind him forcibly of Thomas’ eyes. Otherwise, he would be laying with Mary in their bed and thinking that, if he squinted, she could almost be Thomas. Then it had suddenly hit him. He was in love with Thomas Barrow. 

He supposed that he should have seen this coming. During their on-off acquaintance, he had shared some moments with him where, if he had been so minded, he could have acted on the spark that he had felt. Of course, they hadn’t known each other incredibly well, but, Matthew thought, had they known each other better over the years, this attraction may have been realised much earlier and may even have lead to something more. It was a curious thought. 

He had decided that, before visiting Mary, he would detour by Downton Abbey to see him. He wasn’t sure what he would say when he got there, but he had to say his piece, before his child was born. 

He pulled in to Downton Abbey and turned the engine off. What was Thomas doing now? 

He rang the bell. Despite the lateness of the hour, Carson answered the door. He looked bemused to see Matthew standing there. His thick eyebrows raised in surprise.   
“Mr Crawley, we weren’t expecting you back this early.”   
Matthew smiled.   
“Hello, Carson, I’ve just come back to collect a few things before I go and see Mary in the hospital.”   
Carson’s face was unreadable, but he clearly accepted Matthew’s story, as he stepped aside and let him in.   
“Shall I send for a footman to collect your things? I can spare James or Alfred if necessary…”   
Matthew noted Thomas’ absence with unease, but schooled his face into a mask of composure.   
“That’s perfectly alright, Carson. I can manage.” Matthew smiled. Carson bowed his head.   
“Very well, Sir.”   
Matthew headed up to the first floor towards his room, but stopped just short. He looked both ways, checking that he was alone, before slipping through the green baize door. 

He ascended the servants’ staircase up to the attic, keeping close to the wall, so as not to be seen from the lower levels, wincing as his footsteps echoed in the stairwell. He was starting to wonder whether this was as good an idea as he had initially thought. He could still go back, back down the hall, back out of the door, back to his wife and nobody need ever know he had wavered, but he found he couldn’t do it. He reached the attic and listened for any movement. Nothing. He slowly opened the door and entered the corridor, then turned to the men’s rooms. He found Thomas’ door, then paused. It was now or never. His hands shook as he held his fist up and knocked.   
“Come in.”   
Matthew turned the handle and entered. 

He gasped as he saw Thomas. Thomas sat propped up in his bed, blooded and bruised, clearly in a lot of pain. He looked surprised to see Matthew, Matthew supposed he would be, he was hardly a frequent visitor to Thomas’ bedroom. Matthew closed the door, feeling a surge of protectiveness for him.   
“Mr Crawley…”   
“What happened?”   
Thomas seemed surprised that he cared enough to ask. Matthew felt stung that Thomas should think that.   
“Oh, this? It’s nothing.” Thomas shook his head, then winced. Matthew wanted to hit every last person who had ever hurt him.   
“It looks like somebody attacked you.”   
“It doesn’t matter.” Matthew dropped into the chair next to his bed.   
“It matters to me. Don’t ever think you don’t matter, Thomas, because you do, more than you’ll ever know.” Thomas’ eyes met Matthew’s, searching him for sincerity, Matthew placed his hand on Thomas’.   
“I’m so sorry that you’ve been made to feel like nobody cares if you’re hurt. Please tell me what happened.”   
Thomas adjusted his position so that he was eye-level with Matthew, wincing again.   
“I was walking back from the fair, some men were threatening Jimmy, so I distracted them and told him to run; they did this to me.”   
“Oh, Thomas.” Matthew sighed. 

After a pause, curiosity got the better of him. “Has Jimmy been to see you?”   
“No. I don’t mind, if I could have my time again, I would still have been beaten in his place.”   
“I only hope that he deserves your sacrifice.” Matthew looked down at his hands, then back up.   
Thomas looked him in the eyes, frowning.   
“Why do you care so much? Shouldn’t you be at the hospital with your wife?” His tone was curious, rather than accusatory.   
“I had to come and see you first.”   
“Why?”   
“Because…” Matthew paused, he hadn’t planned this far ahead, he knew what he wanted to tell him, but hadn’t prepared how he was going to say it. “I needed to see you.”   
Thomas watched him cautiously. After what had happened between him and Jimmy last summer, Matthew could hardly blame him for being guarded. Matthew elaborated.   
“My wife’s about to have a baby, I should be the happiest man in the world, but all I can think about is you, your smile, your voice, you’ve been on my mind constantly, Thomas and I had to see you before anything else.”   
Thomas blinked.   
“You… Have feelings for me?”   
Matthew held Thomas’ hands in his.   
“I do. I think I always have. If you don’t want me, I’ll understand, but I had to let you know how I felt.”   
Thomas blinked again. Matthew made to get up.   
“Please forgive me… I never meant to make you uncomfortable… I’d best go…”   
“Wait.”   
Matthew sat back down.   
“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand. I can’t believe that *you* would want… Someone like me. After I’ve loved you for so long.”   
“Of course I do. Any man would be lucky to…” Matthew’s eyes widened “What?”   
“I never dared to hope that you would feel the same way.” Thomas shifted. Matthew put his hand on Thomas’ cheek.   
“So this is it. May I kiss you, Thomas?”   
“Of course, Mr Crawley.”   
“Call me Matthew.”   
Thomas smiled.   
“Of course, Matthew.” 

Matthew’s eyes lit up as he smiled. He cupped Thomas’ face and leaned in, kissing Thomas with every ounce of passion he felt. Eight years of longing pouring out. Finally, after all this time, he was complete. Thomas’ mouth moved against his, he tilted his head, allowing Matthew to kiss him more comfortably, Matthew’s tongue teased Thomas’ lip, Thomas opened his mouth, deepening the kiss, Matthew leaned into it.   
“Ouch.” Thomas pulled back.   
“Are you alright?” Matthew watched him, concern etched onto his face. Thomas winced.   
“Yeah, my lip’s a bit bruised, that’s all.”   
“Aww…”   
Matthew leaned in, gently brushing his lips to the bruise.   
“Where else are you hurt?”   
“My cheek…”   
Matthew grazed the skin with his lips.   
“My ribs…”   
Matthew gently kissed the bruise.   
“My hands…”   
Matthew cradled Thomas’ hands in his as he kissed every cut and bruise.   
“Now I think about it, I think they kicked me between the legs…”   
Matthew laughed.   
“Don’t be cheeky.”   
“Now, that was the one place they didn’t hit me.”   
Matthew laughed, kissing Thomas’ lips again.   
“I wish I didn’t have to leave you, but I must go now.”   
Thomas was only too aware of this, soon, the maids would be up and they couldn’t risk one of them seeing Matthew coming out of Thomas’ bedroom at 4 o’clock in the morning.   
“I understand. Thank you for coming to see me. I love you, Matthew.”   
Matthew ducked his head and kissed Thomas one last time.   
“I will love you until the last breath leaves my body.” He swore. 

Matthew got up and made his way to the door. He edged the door open just a crack, checking the corridor outside. The coast was clear. He winked at Thomas, whispering “goodbye,” before he ducked out. Thomas leaned back in his bed and smiled.


End file.
